You have the illusion of “choice” at your local cinema this week. Which poorly reviewed release will appeal to you most? You could see Diaz and Segel’s Sex Tape and wonder why Hollywood is so perplexed by the cloud, but why would you do that? Don’t be self-abusive, we’re here to help. This is a safe space.
Oh, God, no, you’ve got a ticket to The Purge: Anarchy, too? Sure, that’s your best choice for a wide release this week, but RT still summarizes it as “never as smart or resonant as it tries to be.”
If you’ve got kids, we guess you could go see Planes: Fire and Rescue, the sequel to not-even-a-year-old Planes. RT calls it “flat and formulaic,” though, and shouldn’t we be teaching our children to aspire for more? Dane Cook stars in it, for God’s sake. Pop culture was done with him years ago. The final wide release is Persecuted, which does not have a single positive review. Ban wide releases.
The real take away from this article is that you don’t have to go to the theater this weekend to see a good movie, because there’s so much available on demand or streaming. In fact, if you want to see a good movie, don’t go to the theater, because the films releasing this weekend are all shit.
Trying to repair the vertical blinds and Simon jokingly asks me to put on motivational surgery music. Don’t mistake me — I watched and loved this show — but how on earth was this a show? Hahaha. So hilarious.